Ducks or cups or both?

“Do you want to have a bath now?” I’d ask my two-year-old. “No, thank you,” she’d reply. For almost a year, her response to any yes or no question was a polite no. (In case you’re wondering, she was only mannerly when declining, not so much when asking for something.) It took me a while to realise that I’d been asking the wrong question.

I’d been presenting no as an option. And guess what happens when you remove the opportunity to decline…? Compliance.

Ducks or cups or both?

I started asking: “In your bath, do you want ducks or plastic cups or both?”

She had three options:

1. Ducks
2. Cups
3. Both

What wasn’t on the table as a choice she could make? “No.”

But even two-year-olds aren’t dof. So, we had to mix up the questions. “Would you like to bathe in your bathroom or in mommy’s?”, “Should we put bubble bath or bath salts in the bath tonight?” and so on.

I get that it sounds like she was Cleopatra and we were all flapping around her with palm fronds and hot towels. Anyone who’s spent time with a toddler, though, knows that a) we are indeed their serfs and b) whatever it takes to get them clean, amirite?

Simplify the argument

Your reader/user/viewer/listener (whatever you call the individuals in your audience) is, in many ways, a small child. Not stupid but also not concentrating. So, if you want them to say yes, stop giving them the option to say no. Like this:

• Where would you like to have our meeting — online or in person?
• As the next step, would you prefer that we do this or that?
• When’s the best time for us to start — this week or next week?
• Who’s the best person to help us move forward with this, A or B?

You’re simplifying the ‘argument’ by reducing it to only two sides.

Here’s a climate change example: “We can either reduce greenhouse gas emissions or destroy the earth.” In this hyperbolic example, two choices are presented as the only options available. Yes, the writer is ignoring a wide range of choices in between — but that’s their prerogative, right?

Also, as you may have gathered, the two choices aren’t always equal. If there are consequences at play (or if, in the case of a two-year-old, firm guidance is needed), you might go with this template:

“There are two options. If this happens, then that will also happen,” like so: “You can play with your truck on the floor or choose a soft toy to play with on the table. If you put your truck on the table again, I will take the truck away.”

It comes down to diplomacy

When you use this rhetorical strategy and others similar to it, you’re not only alleviating the power struggle but you’re also giving your audience a stronger sense of purpose and value. (Granted, it’s a bit manipulative but… creative licence.)

This is how, as business writers, we use diplomacy: the ability to assert our ideas, opinions or preferences without causing offence while remaining sensitive to the ideas, opinions and preferences of others.

In addition to more specific phrasing of your questions, you could try these tricks for enhancing the diplomacy of your writing:

1. In your first sentence, show that you’re a human being who’s capable of empathy:

· “I know this project has been demanding, so I asked Mo to help with some of the design.”

2. Avoid “I” and “you” (first- and second-person pronouns), in favour of the more general, detached “the” or “it”:

· “The standard of work is not as expected. Let’s discuss how to revise it. Would you prefer today or tomorrow?” (Instead of “I’m not happy with the work you did and it needs fixing.”)

3. Use the passive voice to focus more on the situation and less on the person responsible, especially when you remove the subject from the sentence:

· “The payment was not processed on time.” (Instead of “You did not process the payment on time.”)

4. Use modal verbs, which are special verbs used alongside other verbs to express ability, like “would”, “could”, “may”, etc.:

· “Would you…” and “May I…” (instead of “You must” and “I will…”); also, “I believe there may be some room for adjustments to ensure this work meets our expectations.” (Instead of “You must re-do this piece of work…”)

5. Emphasise positive actions more than the problem itself:

· “Our system is down. We’re working on a fix and hope to have it back up as soon as possible. Thanks for your patience.” (Instead of “Our system is down. We are not sure how long it will take to fix.”)

6. Use minimisers like “slight”, “a bit”, “some”, “small”, “a few” and “a little”, to make issues seem less severe. You’re not misinforming anyone, but you are softening your tone so the problem sounds less alarming:

· “There has been a slight delay in our shipment. It may take a bit longer to arrive. Would you like us to update you via email or via text message?”

One final thing: When are you going to use the ‘two choices’ method: in your next email, in your next meeting, or the moment you encounter a grubby two-year-old? (See what I did there?)

This article was first published on MarkLives on 21 September 2023.